Sometimes you just have to look at Fear in the face and Laugh at it.
Sometimes you just have to look at Heart Break and Make something out of it.
Sometimes you just have to look through Hardship to Find all the riches in it.
Sometimes you just have to look at Memories through the heart and Remember to cherish all of it.
...
Sometimes you just have to look at your fear, whatever it is you're anxious or afraid of and laugh at it. Regain the courage you once had in your heart by knowing nothing is ever THAT bad.
Sometimes you just have to look at the heartbreak you feel, and make it into something else. Take those pieces that have been broken, but don't put them all back together into that SAME OLD heart. Remember, love grows and so does the heart. Make it something larger, stronger, better. Then you and only then will you know that you have felt it before, the thing everyone calls "love" and have lived it at least once. That you are willing to continue living it again. For what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
Sometimes you just have to look through the hardship and shit in your life, and find all the riches in it. One man's trash is another man's treasure. So find the values in your life. Look through that what clouds your heart, what fogs out your sight, and know that there is happiness wherever you may be going through.
Finally...
Sometimes you just have to look at the memories, no matter how bitter or how sweet and cherish all of it. For if you don't, if you throw them away and find them worthless you will only know one certain thing. That you had never experienced the fear nor standing up and laughing at it; that you had never experienced the heart break and made something new and became stronger through it; that you had never experienced harship nor found the riches in your life, the things that truly means the most to you. So cherish them, the good, the bad, the worse, the happiness, the sorrow, the love. Everything. All the memories and know, no matter what it was worth it.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Corruption of My Writing Spirit
12:08 AM
4/10/2011
I’ve always wanted to tell a story that could change the world each reader at a time. However, it was a dream that could never be reached. Not everyone has the talent to tell stories as clearly as they see them in their minds. Not everyone has the talent to write stories that almost every single person in the world would love to read. In fact, it is hard just to admit that I am probably the worse storyteller of all times.
I grew up loving to tell stories, first starting out as lies, then becoming elaborate stories, turning into fantasies and novels from my imagination. There wasn’t a single word anyone told me that could change my mind, if all they could say to me was that I was horrible at it. However, years come by and each time I met a failure I kept trying to stand back up. I never realized that the more times I had to stand back up to reach my dreams, the more the ground I stood on sunk lower. For, as I began to realize how to keep reaching higher, it was the same thing that sunk the foundations that originally made me stand up to reach for this dream. I’d completely lost the reason I first had this dream to tell a story that could change the world.
Someone once said to me that, “there is no such thing as a pure heart.” I reluctantly agreed, but in my heart I didn’t believe. I trusted in the purity of hearts and the cleansing of souls. The corruption happens in the spirit—the spirit to keep going, to keep fighting, to continue even when it is 1 against all; even when it is zero out of 6 billion… However, as I kept standing up to reach towards the dream of a story that could change the world, the purity of my spirit became corrupted. I cannot write with all my heart anymore. It hurts to say, but it is true. I cannot write the lines my heart screams, because my corrupted spirit is deaf to the voice of my heart. I cannot write what my heart sees any longer… I no longer can write with the same voice, the same heart, the same dream that I started out with.
Now, I can only write what my eyes can see. My heart is blind and my spirit is corrupt.
4/10/2011
I’ve always wanted to tell a story that could change the world each reader at a time. However, it was a dream that could never be reached. Not everyone has the talent to tell stories as clearly as they see them in their minds. Not everyone has the talent to write stories that almost every single person in the world would love to read. In fact, it is hard just to admit that I am probably the worse storyteller of all times.
I grew up loving to tell stories, first starting out as lies, then becoming elaborate stories, turning into fantasies and novels from my imagination. There wasn’t a single word anyone told me that could change my mind, if all they could say to me was that I was horrible at it. However, years come by and each time I met a failure I kept trying to stand back up. I never realized that the more times I had to stand back up to reach my dreams, the more the ground I stood on sunk lower. For, as I began to realize how to keep reaching higher, it was the same thing that sunk the foundations that originally made me stand up to reach for this dream. I’d completely lost the reason I first had this dream to tell a story that could change the world.
Someone once said to me that, “there is no such thing as a pure heart.” I reluctantly agreed, but in my heart I didn’t believe. I trusted in the purity of hearts and the cleansing of souls. The corruption happens in the spirit—the spirit to keep going, to keep fighting, to continue even when it is 1 against all; even when it is zero out of 6 billion… However, as I kept standing up to reach towards the dream of a story that could change the world, the purity of my spirit became corrupted. I cannot write with all my heart anymore. It hurts to say, but it is true. I cannot write the lines my heart screams, because my corrupted spirit is deaf to the voice of my heart. I cannot write what my heart sees any longer… I no longer can write with the same voice, the same heart, the same dream that I started out with.
Now, I can only write what my eyes can see. My heart is blind and my spirit is corrupt.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Something Is Wrong...
Today I finally realized... something is wrong. Although it's been weeks, and I know I've slowly been acting strange; suddenly emo again; hotheaded even though I've learned to cool myself; feeling depressed for no odd reason... There is something wrong with me. I don't understand it completely though.
Even though today I was dragged to my sister's place to help out with some family spiritual ceremony for my brother-in-law, I was completely useless. I suddenly felt angry after three hours over there just reading manga on my laptop. All I was supposed to do was let the kids play the Wii in my sister and brother-in-law's room, and watch them. Yet when the kids left and I couldn't do anything about it but sit in there by myself I was able to breathe and think. Yet the only feeling that came across, or the only thought was: "this is so bothersome. It is a hassle. What is the point of me being here?!" and so on.
Honestly, I always think like that when I have to watch my nephews but perhaps it was just how today started. I was basically beaten up from bed by my mom because she couldn't go to the spiritual ceremony without me. Though I didn't really understand why since I wasn't even all that important in it. I did nothing. So yes, my day started out like crap and I guess it ends like crap. Yet, people, I just don't understand what is wrong.
I did feel like it was bothersome, and selfishly got angry to myself. However, I just don't understand why. Why was it bothersome, when I came to help? Why did I get angry, when I took out my anger in the car already? It was almost as if I was being selfish and wanted attention. But the me I've always known, the REAL me actually wants nothing to do with getting attention. I am a recluse. I prefer being left alone, by myself, wallowing in the shadows of my dreams and imagination. Inside the little fantasy worlds I have created. So why would I suddenly seek attention, or to be noticed and be angry because I was being treated as a recluse? What is wrong with me? Am I that twisted? How did I become like this?
I think by writing this, people will think that I am only looking for attention because I am actually like that. But I just want to get my feelings across, and to understand what the hell is wrong with me.
I am worried and anxious even though I shouldn't be and have no reason to be. I am afraid, hesitating even though there is nothing in my way to block me. I am depressed even though nothing of the sorta to cause the depression has happened. I get mad quickly, which is true to my personality, but getting mad out of nowhere was never really known to me until recently. I just don't understand what is will all these feelings? I am not even in my BiPolarity mode, it's like all the feelings are just fighting inside myself to get control over my emotions. I just don't understand, and am very confused.
So I wonder if I have lost something? Something important? Or did I perhaps get lost myself? Am I found, but haven't taken hold of something I was supposed to? Am I missing something or just don't know something? Has something happened that has affected me, and I have no recollection of it? I just... don't understand what's wrong with me. Something is wrong.
It is frustrating. I just don't understand anything at all anymore. I don't know what I am supposed to do. Am I just walking around trying to live everyday without living it? A life without life? Something is wrong... don't tell me I didn't warn you...
Even though today I was dragged to my sister's place to help out with some family spiritual ceremony for my brother-in-law, I was completely useless. I suddenly felt angry after three hours over there just reading manga on my laptop. All I was supposed to do was let the kids play the Wii in my sister and brother-in-law's room, and watch them. Yet when the kids left and I couldn't do anything about it but sit in there by myself I was able to breathe and think. Yet the only feeling that came across, or the only thought was: "this is so bothersome. It is a hassle. What is the point of me being here?!" and so on.
Honestly, I always think like that when I have to watch my nephews but perhaps it was just how today started. I was basically beaten up from bed by my mom because she couldn't go to the spiritual ceremony without me. Though I didn't really understand why since I wasn't even all that important in it. I did nothing. So yes, my day started out like crap and I guess it ends like crap. Yet, people, I just don't understand what is wrong.
I did feel like it was bothersome, and selfishly got angry to myself. However, I just don't understand why. Why was it bothersome, when I came to help? Why did I get angry, when I took out my anger in the car already? It was almost as if I was being selfish and wanted attention. But the me I've always known, the REAL me actually wants nothing to do with getting attention. I am a recluse. I prefer being left alone, by myself, wallowing in the shadows of my dreams and imagination. Inside the little fantasy worlds I have created. So why would I suddenly seek attention, or to be noticed and be angry because I was being treated as a recluse? What is wrong with me? Am I that twisted? How did I become like this?
I think by writing this, people will think that I am only looking for attention because I am actually like that. But I just want to get my feelings across, and to understand what the hell is wrong with me.
I am worried and anxious even though I shouldn't be and have no reason to be. I am afraid, hesitating even though there is nothing in my way to block me. I am depressed even though nothing of the sorta to cause the depression has happened. I get mad quickly, which is true to my personality, but getting mad out of nowhere was never really known to me until recently. I just don't understand what is will all these feelings? I am not even in my BiPolarity mode, it's like all the feelings are just fighting inside myself to get control over my emotions. I just don't understand, and am very confused.
So I wonder if I have lost something? Something important? Or did I perhaps get lost myself? Am I found, but haven't taken hold of something I was supposed to? Am I missing something or just don't know something? Has something happened that has affected me, and I have no recollection of it? I just... don't understand what's wrong with me. Something is wrong.
It is frustrating. I just don't understand anything at all anymore. I don't know what I am supposed to do. Am I just walking around trying to live everyday without living it? A life without life? Something is wrong... don't tell me I didn't warn you...
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